Robot creates first Asian man

Tokyo, Japan (BD) - Tired of impressing the world by creating robots that mimic human tasks and processes, Japanese scientists have created a robot (pictured right) that creates humans (pictured left). The human features a surprisingly lifelike 'Japanese-man- gawking-at-an-advanced-robot' expression. The robot named his human Geppetto based off of a misguided translation of the storyline from 'Pinocchio.'

The Prestige

Hogwarts, United Kingdom (BD) - Many stories over the past few weeks have claimed to unearth Barack Obama's father's lineage, which may include that of terrorists and Muslims. However, OP has learned from anonymous sources that the Muslim storyline is yet another facade intended to shift the focus from Obama's mother's witchy bloodline. In truth, Barack Obama is a level 94 Necromancer. Obama, a graduate of Hogwarts with a major in 'The Dark Arts,' cast a spell on poor Senator Clinton after her Ohio and Texas wins.

Washington DC (BD) - However, this strategy seemed to backfire. Political analysts are careful to note many people generally would vote for Clinton, but they hate her. Now that she is not as annoying, her support is swelling.

Brooklyn Zoo, New York (BD) - In an act of retaliation, bears, long time Clinton supporters (white, lower-educated), began to attack Obama's strongest constituency - the youth voters.

Washington DC (BD) - Luckily for Obama, his cousin twice removed, nanotechnologist/assassin John Wilkes Obama, is reportedly "fired up and ready to go."