28 Rock

(New York, NY) Beth Israel hospital publicity reports Judah Friedlander's sexual reassignment surgery was successful on Thursday. Friedlander, seen here testifying to never wear another ironic hat, had this to say: "30 Rock. Girls. New Girl. I've seen a trend towards women getting TV shows. I want my own TV show. I kept trying to get attention with my funny hats. And it wasn't working. I decided I should never wear a hat again. And you know who never wears hats? Women."

Too little, too date

Reporting from Washington DC today. Attractive elderly lady Janet Yellen has 28 year old son, Jeffrey, make her a match.com account; but after weeks of unsuccessful courtship attempts, realizes her profile picture is too small to show her face. "You're such a spoiled brat," she emails Jeffrey. "I bought you your stupid computer and you didn't even take five minutes to find the picture of us together from Thanksgiving two years ago that I saw on Facebook that your aunt Julie took." Janet hopes to find someone who shares her interest in economics.

Robot creates first Asian man

Tokyo, Japan (BD) - Tired of impressing the world by creating robots that mimic human tasks and processes, Japanese scientists have created a robot (pictured right) that creates humans (pictured left). The human features a surprisingly lifelike 'Japanese-man- gawking-at-an-advanced-robot' expression. The robot named his human Geppetto based off of a misguided translation of the storyline from 'Pinocchio.'

The Prestige

Hogwarts, United Kingdom (BD) - Many stories over the past few weeks have claimed to unearth Barack Obama's father's lineage, which may include that of terrorists and Muslims. However, OP has learned from anonymous sources that the Muslim storyline is yet another facade intended to shift the focus from Obama's mother's witchy bloodline. In truth, Barack Obama is a level 94 Necromancer. Obama, a graduate of Hogwarts with a major in 'The Dark Arts,' cast a spell on poor Senator Clinton after her Ohio and Texas wins.

Washington DC (BD) - However, this strategy seemed to backfire. Political analysts are careful to note many people generally would vote for Clinton, but they hate her. Now that she is not as annoying, her support is swelling.

Brooklyn Zoo, New York (BD) - In an act of retaliation, bears, long time Clinton supporters (white, lower-educated), began to attack Obama's strongest constituency - the youth voters.

Washington DC (BD) - Luckily for Obama, his cousin twice removed, nanotechnologist/assassin John Wilkes Obama, is reportedly "fired up and ready to go."

The Reaper of Lost Souls Endorsed by Satan

Beelzebub, Texas (GL)- The Clinton campaign, which has fallen on hard times lately, has landed an endorsement from one of the most renowned politicians in history. The coming of Lucifer (or “Lou Boy” as George W. Bush took to calling him during his work for the 2000 Bush/Cheney campaign) has proven to be a divisive issue among Democrats. While Nancy Pelosi, whose district includes the cities of both Sodom and Gomorrah, has been a longtime supporter of the Dark Prince, prominent Democratic adviser James Carville has stated that the Clinton campaign’s adoption of Satan and His Army of Darkness is “too little too late” and well short of the steps necessary to defeat Barack Obama.

A rift of an entirely different nature is appearing in the Republican Party. Presidential Hopeful Mike Huckabee had been desperate in pursuing an endorsement from the Dark Prince. Huckabee, a former minister (already endorsed by G-d), was seeking this endorsement to underscore the breadth of his campaign's coalition. McCain's aides had put a full-court press to land El Diablo to prove to conservatives he lacked compassion for people.

However, Associated Press reports the devil was off shooting a movie with Meryl Streep during the bulk of the last few years. Meryl, a staunch Hillary supporter, was able to convince Lucifer to throw his support for Hilldog.

Republican Party officials released a statement this morning reading, "We're hurt that Satan, after a half century of loyal service to Republican Party, seems to finally be crossing the aisle." Perhaps Karl Rove, who interned with His Darkness during his college years, deserves the final word on the matter: "Who better to stop the second coming of Christ...errr...I mean JFK...than His Wickedness?"