28 Rock

(New York, NY) Beth Israel hospital publicity reports Judah Friedlander's sexual reassignment surgery was successful on Thursday. Friedlander, seen here testifying to never wear another ironic hat, had this to say: "30 Rock. Girls. New Girl. I've seen a trend towards women getting TV shows. I want my own TV show. I kept trying to get attention with my funny hats. And it wasn't working. I decided I should never wear a hat again. And you know who never wears hats? Women."

Too little, too date

Reporting from Washington DC today. Attractive elderly lady Janet Yellen has 28 year old son, Jeffrey, make her a match.com account; but after weeks of unsuccessful courtship attempts, realizes her profile picture is too small to show her face. "You're such a spoiled brat," she emails Jeffrey. "I bought you your stupid computer and you didn't even take five minutes to find the picture of us together from Thanksgiving two years ago that I saw on Facebook that your aunt Julie took." Janet hopes to find someone who shares her interest in economics.